


I Couldn't If I Tried

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3562130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loving a man is something that always terrified Alex. Being open about his sexuality always terrified him. But could one man change that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Couldn't If I Tried

Alex POV  
I’d always been one to tell people to not be ashamed of themselves. In my position, I knew people relied on me to be a role model. And it’s true, I did think people shouldn’t be ashamed of who they were.

Of course I said all this while deep in the closet gay. 

Now with how accepting people were today you’d think it wouldn’t be so bad, right? Yeah, I wish it was that easy. 

Being someone who was so public it was nearly impossible to work up the courage to come out as gay. I wished I could. I really did wish I could but I couldn’t. I’m not even out to my family or my friends. I couldn’t even say it out loud to myself. Not that I’d tried.

Mostly, I just had a string of girlfriends I'd tried so hard to love but I couldn’t. They were all such great people and I cared about them but I could in no way fall in love with any of them. And I’d tried. But in the end every one of them ended up hurt and I felt so guilty about that. Nowadays I just focussed on my band. I was content with future loneliness. Just as long as I wasn’t hurting anyone anymore. 

My band was pretty popular; it had reached a success I could only dream of as a teenager. Which was great. Except for the fact my life was so broadcasted that it was like I couldn’t do anything without the – slight but still possible – risk of a fan seeing and telling the world. Maybe it was just paranoia, but it’s something so deep ingrained in me at my own fault.

Right now we were on a break from tour. My bandmates Rian, Zack, and Riley all went back to their own lives. Rian lived with his girlfriend Cassadee in LA, and Zack, Riley, and I lived in our hometown Baltimore. This was just a place I was attached to and I couldn’t see myself leaving.

Breaks for me usually consisted of writing. I loved writing new music and it’s something I did often. It was a sort of release.

Tonight though I did something rare; I went to a club alone. The alone part was rare. Everyone else was busy so I decided to just go alone. That was less sad than getting drunk at home.

I was sitting at the bar, a glass of scotch in front of me. I took a sip every now and again. I didn’t want to get too drunk but I enjoyed the buzz.

A clearing of a throat pulled me out of my thoughts and I saw a man standing next to me. 

“This seat taken?” The man asked, pointing to the bar stool. I shook my head and he grinned, pulling the stool out and taking a seat. I got a better look at his face now that we’re levelled. He was really skinny and lanky; had skunked hair pushed back; and probably the darkest brown eyes I’d seen.

“So why’re you here alone?” he asked.

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“You said the seat wasn’t taken.” Oh right. “And you’ve been sitting alone for a while. I don’t know, you seemed lonely.”

Wait, was he flirting with me? Girls always did but this guy was approaching it differently. He was very casual and seemed to be approaching it slowly. Maybe he was just testing the water to see if I was gay since this wasn’t a gay club. I guess he figured I’d simply decline or bash his face in. I’d seen pretty aggressive straight dudes who got pissed at the audacity a gay guy had flirted with them. 

“Well my friends all abandoned me so I’m alone tonight.” I shrugged.

“Mhm.” He nodded.

“What about you?” I asked, raising my brow.

“I’m here with my friends Ashton and Calum but they went chasing after girls.” He said, rolling his eyes. 

“How rude of them.” I laughed. “Why didn’t you join them in their girl chasing?” I asked, taking a sip of my scotch.

“Eh, girls aren’t really my thing.” He replied, shrugging casually making it obvious he's in fact gay. 

“Oh, what is your ‘thing’ then?” 

Fuck. That sounded exactly like flirting. What was I even doing? Maybe I was just sexually repressed and looking for a one night stand?

Actually, that didn’t sound too bad. Maybe. 

The man scanned my body. “Guys with dark hair and rose tattoos.” He said with a wink.

“Hm, what makes you so sure I’m gay?” I asked in attempt to make him think I wasn’t gay. Although I immediately realised it probably did the exact opposite. 

“I don’t, just a hunch. You’re pretty hot.” His confidence didn’t falter. Again I realised he must've mistaken it for flirting. Yet I didn't feel like correcting him.

“How about I buy you a drink for your name?” he offered.

I drummed my fingers on the table, considering his offer. A free drink didn't sound too bad. “Sure, as long as I get yours.” I replied.

“Deal.” he smiled. “I'm Jack.”

“Alex.” I smiled back.

…

So the plan to try and make him think I'm not gay pretty much failed. 

Failed as in, I doubt he'd think I was straight with my tongue down his throat. 

I wasn't sure how we ended up in that position on the dance floor, but we'd both been drinking so I'd lost most of my sense. All my mind could focus on was the fact a hot guy wanted to make out with me. And fuck did it feel good. I'd never enjoyed kissing someone so much. I guess it didn't help they were all girls but making out with Jack made my heart race and so weak at the knees that he was holding me up by holding by my ass, squeezing it every so often which was far from a problem. 

When we eventually pulled away for air, he rested his forehead on mine and bit his lip. “Wanna get out of here?” he asked.

Now it'd probably be a stupid idea to go home with a guy I'd just met, especially when you consider the fact I'd never slept with a man. But I still nodded, feeling nothing but excitement

…

After spending twenty-seven years only having sex with people I wasn't sexually attracted to or making good use of my right hand, having sex with someone I was attracted to was mind blowing. 

I couldn't really put it into words. Sex with Jack was a lot different than sex with any of my ex girlfriends. Him being a man definitely helped. Especially since I was really attracted to him. I'd always been more attracted to skinnier guys and watching his chest muscles – or lack of – flex under me had only had turned me on even more the night before. I wondered to myself why I'd let myself go this long without sleeping with a guy. 

I woke up in his bed, feeling really relaxed from the past nights events. I could hear him breathing next to me, still sound asleep. And that's when it hit me.

Shit. What have I done? This guy could easily out me and then my life would be done for. 

Okay, I needed to calm down. This guy most likely doesn't know who I am. And I doubt he spent his days googling the guys he'd slept with. It was going to be fine. I'd probably never see this guy again and I can go on my merry way leaving behind a good one night stand. 

I felt him stir next to me, a small groan escaping his lips. His eyes slowly drifted open and he smiled at me. “Mornin'.” he yawned. “Sleep well?” he asked.

“Mhm.” I mumbled. “Your bed is comfy.” I said.

“Unfortunately, we can't stay here forever.” he said, sitting up and stretched his arms over his head. I may or may have not stared at the sight. He looked down at me and smirked. “Enjoying the view?”

I smirked right back. “Very much.” 

He straddled my hips and placed his hands on my shoulders. My hands held his hips as I looked up at him. His hair was matted, probably from his hairspray. He leaned down and kissed me. Of course I kissed back. My heart began to race and I could feel a warm feeling in my stomach.

I felt him chuckle. As he pulled away he bit my lip and I softly moaned. “As much as I'd love to treat your boner, I'm hungry. Want something to eat?” He asked, getting off of me.

I nodded. “Sure.” I said sitting up as he got off me. I picked up my clothes that were lying on the floor while Jack went to his closet to get his own clothes. After we got dressed Jack offered coffee and pancakes, which I gratefully accepted. 

“What do you want on them?” he asked, once the pancakes were cooked.

“I prefer them dry.” I shrugged. 

He sent me a shocked expression. “What kind of freak did I just sleep with?” he asked, obviously joking. 

I rolled my eyes and laughed softly. He set the plate in front of me at his bench next to his own and got himself some maple syrup. He sat next to me and pretty much drowned his pancakes in the maple syrup.

“And you said I'm the freak.” I teased. 

“Hey, putting maple syrup on your pancakes is completely normal.” he argued.

“Drowning them is not.” I said simply.

“Whatever; at least I'm not a freak that eats them dry.”

“Wow, you were a lot nicer when you wanted to get into my pants.” I joked. 

“Hey, I'm nice guy all the time. But then you go and eat dry pancakes.”

“Just eat your damn maple syrup with side pancakes.” I smirked.

He gave me a snarky look and ate. We shifted onto nonsensical topics, but mostly enjoyed each other's company. It was weird. Even though this was just a one night stand it felt nice talking to him. Like some walls were breaking down.

After we ate and a make out session, as I was leaving Jack spoke up. “Hey, I know you might just see this as a hookup, but if you're interested do you want to go on a date?” he asked.

I stood there, thinking about it. The thing was, despite being so deep in the closet this guy attracted me. No just physically but in a weird mental way. Like I wanted to be near him. So I said yes to the date earning a toothy grin from Jack. We exchanged numbers and I left.

It's weird. Until now I had really good control over myself. But somehow this one man made everything different.

…

I know what you’re thinking; really? I’m going on a date with Jack. A man. Now, of course it was irresponsible and I don’t know why I said yes in the first place. He seemed like a perfectly nice guy. A great guy really. If I were braver when it came to dating men he’d be an obvious choice. He’s funny, kind, fun, really everything I looked for in a partner. But the idea of dating him and having a boyfriend, and consequentially coming out scared me to death. I didn’t want to end up hurting him. Yet somehow, I said yes to our date. 

The date itself was nothing to big; we were just going to a fair. Of course I hadn’t told him about the band. If he knew I was famous enough to cause controversy, he’d say something. I barely no this guy so who knows what he could do. For all I know he’d we completely fine with it and date me in secret. Or he’d somehow trick me and out me. No one would believe ‘I slept with Alex Gaskarth.’ Was I just overthinking things? Probably. He seemed like a genuinely good guy. Yet I couldn’t stop second-guessing.

“Wanna go on the Ferris wheel?” Jack asked sometime during the day.

“Is this a cheesy romantic comedy?” I retorted. 

“No, if this was I’d be feeding you your cotton candy.” He said, nodding to the packet of the pink candy in my hand. “Or we could do both?”

I was a little worn out from all the more intense rides so I shrugged and nodded. “Sure, might actually be fun.” 

He grinned excitedly, and I’d grown to love that excited grin of his. Like really love. But ignored the butterflies he gave me and followed him to the Ferris wheel, eating the cotton candy on the way. 

I found I liked watching Jack. As we stood in line, he had his hands in his black leather jacket’s pockets and had a bit of a sway, like he had trouble standing still. It was nice to watch. It was like he was just bursting with happiness and positivity, and he wanted to share it with anyone and everyone. That’s what I found myself liking about him most. Had a lot of humour yet calm, cool, and collected at the same time. If that was even possible. 

When we got onto the ride, Jack took the cotton candy from me when we started to get higher.

“Hey!” I whined, frowning at him. 

“As promised, I am going to feed you.” He said. 

I rolled my eyes at him but still smiled and let him feed me. When we stopped at the top, I asked him, “Do we have to do the cheesy top of the Ferris wheel kiss?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s a rule in bad romantic comedies.” He concluded. 

“Actually, if this was a bad romantic comedy we’d be a straight couple.” I said.

He gave me a snarky look. “Well, let’s make our own clichés.” He said.

I expected him to lean in to kiss me, but no. He started rocking the cart back and forth instead. I quickly gripped the handlebar in panic. “Jack!” I shrieked. “Stop!” He just laughed at my expense. 

“C’mon, it’s fun.” He teased when he finally stopped after more shrikes of ‘no’ and ‘stop’.

“The rocking or almost giving me a heart attack?” I asked, glaring at him, sitting up straighter, as the ride started to move properly.

“Both.” He shrugged, a smirk tugging at his lips. 

“Well we missed our cheesy kiss because of you.” I said. 

“I can kiss you anytime. I can’t scare you to death by rocking a Ferris wheel cart that often at all.”

I crossed my arms. “Well, I’m not talking to you until we get off this thing. Can’t do that often either.” I snatched my cotton candy back and turned to face forward, focussing on the view and eating. 

Jack didn’t say anything back. That was quite surprising. When we got back to the top, I felt his hand on my chin, lightly stroking it with his thumb. Then he turn my head and I felt his plump lips on mine. I rolled my eyes and kissed back. I guess we got the Ferris wheel kiss after all.

…

“C’mon, it was pretty funny.” Jack insisted.

“No, it wasn’t.” I argued. He was still teasing me over the Ferris wheel incident which is something I'd rather forget.

We'd decided to take a break for lunch. Corn dogs, fries, and coke. Not too bad if a say so myself. 

“Whatever, can I feed you the fries?” he asked,

“What the hell is with you and feeding me?” I asked. First the cotton candy, now the goddamn fries.

“’Cause you’re adorable.” He said.

“I’m six months older than you.” I argued.

“Still adorable.”

So I let him feed me the fries, until he went up to go to the bathroom. Sometime along I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see a teenage girl grinning at me. “Uh, hey. I don’t mean to bother you, but are you Alex Gaskarth?” she asked, blushing.

I smiled her. “Hey, don’t be embarrassed. And yep. The one and only.” I replied.

She grinned. “Oh good, I was scared to embarrass myself. Can I get a quick picture?” she asked.

I nodded, standing up. “Of course you can.” I said. “What’s your name?”

“Ricci.” She replied, taking out her phone. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, smiling for the picture. She took the picture and thanked me. She quickly went back to her friends and I sat back down, taking a sip of my coke.

“Uh, why’d you take a picture with a random teenage girl?” Jack’s voice chimed in. I looked towards him, and he took a seat where he was previously sitting, sending me a very confused look. “Or are you just famous and didn’t tell me?” he asked, obviously meaning it to me a joke. But when I didn’t laugh he laughed again. “Okay, funny. Real reason?”

“Um, actually I am famous. Kind of.” I replied, biting my lip.

He looked at me somewhere between surprise and disbelief. “Wait, what?”

“It’s not some sort of ultra-fame. I guess it's more famous enough.” I explained.

“How? Why?” he asked.

I sighed. “I’m in a band. Like, one that’s actually really successful.” 

“Okay, you’re bullshitting me.” He said.

I shook my head. “I’m really not. I sing for the band All Time Low.”

“Never heard of you guys.” 

“Well like I said, it’s not ultra-fame. But still pretty popular.” 

I didn’t blame him for his disbelief. Saying to a guy on your first date that you’re famous would no doubt catch them off guard. 

“That’s… kind of surprising.” He decided. “When were you planning to tell me?”

“I didn’t think we’d do more than sleep together. Than you bring up this damn date.” I said honestly.

“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked, raising a brow.

“When you’re not out, kind of.”

Again, the surprise mixed with disbelief came on his face but this time it also held confusion. “You’re not out?”

“Nope.”

“Publicly you mean?”

I shook my head. “To anyone.” I explained, looking down at my lap.

He took a moment before he answered. “So then what are we even doing?” he asked softly.

“I ask myself that.” I replied honestly. “You’re the first man I’ve done anything with.”

He softly chuckled, which kind of surprised me. “I’m gonna guess you’ve been a closet case until now?”

I nodded. “Yep.” I said honestly. “And I’ve hurt way too many girls. And myself.”

Again, he took a moment before he answered. Like he was thinking. “If you want us to be a secret for now, I can handle that.” He said.

I looked back up at him. “Won’t we need to be a ‘thing’ to be a secret?” I asked, raising a brow.

“Do you wanna be a thing?”

This time, I took a moment before I answered. “Yes.” I replied.

“Then I guess we’re a thing.” He said, smiling widely. “Also, you’re showing me your band’s music when we get back to my place. I wanna support my boyfriend’s music.”

I smiled back at him but there was a thought at the back of my mind.

What the fuck did I just get myself into?

...

“Okay, I can’t pick a favourite.” Jack decided, after we got through all my music videos. Except for Circles. There’s no way in hell he’s seeing that one. He already remarked how people didn't already know I was gay after the I Feel Like Dancing video. 

“So you like?” I asked.

“Love. Especially A Love Like War. What’s the other guy’s band? He was really good.”

I softly laughed at him, told him Vic’s band, and we later settled on watching Home Alone on Jack’s insistence.

“You know, my band doesn’t have a tour for another three months.” I said, relaxed in his arms.

“Mhm.” I replied, most of his attention on the movie. 

“I think I won’t mind spending them with you.” I said, nudging my nose to his stubbly cheek.

He smiled and kissed my cheek. “I don’t mind that at all. Just remember, us non famous people have to work during the day while you rock stars do fuck all on your breaks. And for three more months apparently.” He teased.

“Hey, what I do is ten times harder than what you do – what do you do?” I asked, realising I didn’t know what he did.

“I work in accounting.” He replied.

“Boring.” I shrugged and he laughed.

“It is. But it pays the bills and a decent apartment.”

“Who knows, maybe one day I’ll let you move into my house.” It was meant to be a joke, but now that I had the idea of living with him, it sounded really, really nice. Of course, I slapped myself at the thought. The sooner that happened the sooner I’d have to come out which I was still too scared to do. 

“Your house is nice. For a moment I thought I was dealing with a drug dealer.” He joked and I playfully slapped his chest. “And yeah, maybe someday. That sounds really nice.” He said and kissed my head. He turned his attention back to the movie, and rested his chin on the top of my head and I relaxed in his arms. I was completely content with not moving for a long time. 

…

“Paintballing?” I asked, as Jack parked his car at our new date destination. 

“What’s more romantic than shooting people with paintballs? And getting a little dirty.” He winked at the last part. I’d gotten used – and grown to love – his tendency to attach an innuendo to everything. 

 

“As long as you protect me from getting pelted.” I said, batting my eyelashes.

“Of course. At least until we’re the last two standing and I have no choice but to take you down. It’ll be like The Hunger Games.”

I smiled at him and followed him inside. We paid, got set up, and after half listening to the dude that told us the rules we were in the field, paintball guns ready. It was an all for one sort of thing but people obviously teamed off with their friends, including Jack and I. Admittedly, I didn’t do too much shooting. Mostly I just hid behind Jack and let him be my human shield. Obviously, he noticed. 

“Wow, I guess you just want me for my body.” He joked.

“Yep, it's long and lanky enough so it’s perfect.” I teased and gave his ass a quick pat, earning a laugh from him. “Does the job perfectly.” I winked.

“Okay, calm down horndog.” Jack joked. “Save if for later.”

I grinned at him and I went back to focussing on the game. 

…

“This is the one downside to the skunk hair.” Jack remarked, referring to the dried paint in his hair. After the paintball game we stopped by a Starbucks and decided to have a bit of a coffee date. “It'll be a bitch to get out.”

“One time I dyed part of my hair pink.” I said. “So this is nothing.”

He shook his head and laughed. “Okay, I'm googling pictures of that.” he said and took out his phone.

“No!” I whined and tried to grab his phone but he sat back, dodging me. I wasn't that embarrassed by the hair, but I knew he'd tease me over it. 

“Aw, you're so cute.” he remarked. “Super gay of you.”

“Shut up.” I said, shoving his shoulder playfully. 

“Well, when you do eventually come out I doubt anyone will be that surprised.” he said, putting his phone back into his pocket.

“What do you mean?” I asked, kind of confused. I got asked if I was gay or bisexual regularly but he doesn't know that.

“I kind of googled you a little.” he admitted sheepishly. “And a lot of people online are pretty much twiddling their thumbs and waiting.” he explained. 

“Trust me, I know. But y'know, speculation is different from actually being out.”

“Well, from my perspective, they won't care. Billie Joe's bi, remember?” he pointed out.

“Yes but he's married to a woman. And me being fully gay and dating a guy is different.” 

“Don't you think you're being a little bit melodramatic?” he asked.

I groaned. “Jack, seriously. Can we just drop this. I'm not ready.”

“Well what about to your family? Or your friends?” He suggested.

“Jack, we've only been together for two months. My plan had always been to just not be with a man.”

“Look, I'm not asking you to introduce me or for your friends to even know you're dating a guy. All I'm suggesting is that you tell them you're gay. You can't hide this – or me – forever.” 

“Look, I get where you're coming from. But there's no telling how they'll react.” 

“And I get where you are coming from. Coming out scared me to death. But I did and it was fine.”

“But you're not famous. You won't have the entire world knowing.”

“Technically I will by dating you.” he pointed out. 

“Look, I don't want to argue about this. I'm not ready, and that's it.”

He sighed. “Fine.” he said. “Can I at least be introduced as a friend?”

“I don't know. Maybe.” I said.

We dropped the conversation and sat in silence, sipping our coffees. I did like him. I liked him a lot. I'd never felt this strongly towards a man. I didn't want to lose him over something like this. He promised he'd be patient, I just hope he'd stay patient. 

I took hold of his hand and squeezed it. “I'm sorry.” I said and he met my gaze. “I'm just not the most secure person. So coming out scares me to death,”

“I get it, I do.” he said. “Take as long as you need”

“You sure?” I asked, biting my lip.

He nodded. “Yeah. I'm just nervous about this relationship since a lot of it'll be long distance. So I'm just scared that the whole closeted thing will ruin it.”

“It won't. I'll make sure it doesn't.” I promised. 

He nodded and brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckle. “Just keep the promise.”

…

“I'll miss you.” Jack mumbled against my lips. 

“I'll only be gone for two months.” I said, softly laughing and bumping my nose to his cheek. “And we'll text every night.”

“Sounds pretty good to me.” he grinned. He leaned forward and nipped my ear. “What's the likelihood of sexting?” he asked and gently bit my ear. 

I laughed and slapped his chest. “Very funny, fucker.” I teased. “And pretty likely I think.” 

…

“What are you all smiley about?” Rian asked. I'd just arrived at Boston; that first stop of our tour. I hadn't seen anyone in the band or the crew since the end of our last tour.

I grinned at him. “Just in a really good mood.” I said. And I really was. Jack was able to give me butterflies just by thinking about him. Weird how he could do things to me from a mile away. 

“Is that code for a good lay?” Vinny teased, causing me to blush.

“Maybe.” I said. Jack and I had had pre-tour sex, which was some pretty damn good sex if you ask me. But it was mostly Jack himself making me happy.

“Ooh, was she hot?” Grieco asked.

“Really really hot. Can guarantee hotter than anyone you've been with.”

“Sure Gaskarth.” Grieco smirked.

“Well, I doubt you've ever made any of your girls moan like a whore. If you can make a girl come in the first place.” I teased. 

“Shut the fuck up.” He said, sticking his middle finger up at me.

I gave him a snarky look and settled in my seat on the tour bus. 

…

“You guys have been real fucking amazing!” I yelled into the mic when we closed off Dear Maria. When we got off stage I grabbed a water bottle and took a chug of the ice cold water. 

“Damn, that was a good first show.” Rian said, getting his own bottle of water.

“Okay guys, after you meet with fans go take a shower and then come back to the bus.” Matt instructed. 

“I fucking need one.” Riley remarked. 

“No shit, you really stink.” I said as me, Riley, Rian, and Zack walked to the back of the venue to meet with the fans.

“Go suck a dick.” he replied.

I brushed off the comment, knowing he only meant it to be a joke. But damn, I wondered what he'd say if they knew.

We talked to the fans. They'd always been sweet and fun to talk to. We signed things they'd brought and took pictures with them. Once we were done we went to the venues communal showers and it was a relief to finally cool down. 

I'd always wondered how the guys would feel showering near me if they knew I was gay. And while I did prefer guys with Jack's body type, I'd be lying if I said Zack's muscles didn't do anything for me at least a little. So I avoided looking at him in the shower. And the rest of the guys. Couldn't risk little Alex getting excited. 

“So you guys wanna hit up the club tonight?” Riley asked. 

“Sure.” Zack said.

“Sounds good to me.” Agreed Rian.

“What about you Gaskarth? You might convince and girl to come back to your hotel room.” Riley teased.

“I'm not really in the mood for sleeping with anyone tonight.” I shrugged, focusing on his face. “But yeah, sounds fun.”

After we showered we went to the club along with the crew. It was just like any other club. I just focussed on drinking, sitting with Rian. Riley had the tendency to hit on as many girls as he could. 

“Any girls you're interested in?” Rian asked. 

I shook my head after I took a sip of my scotch. “Nah.” Of course it was blatant lie. There of course were plenty of guys that were really hot. Not as hot as Jack though. I hadn't gotten a chance to text him and I already missed contact with him. Tomorrow's Saturday so he'd be home from work so I'd probably sneak off to my bunk and text him while we drive to the next town. 

“Well that girl at the bar has been eye-fucking you for the past twenty minutes.” Rian said, nodding towards the bar. I followed his gaze and saw a girl staring at me. She smiled at me and batted her eyelashes, her interest obvious. 

I turned back to Rian, about to make an excuse of 'too tired for sex' but instead I saw Rian had gotten up and left. Fuck. 

I looked back at the girl and she was walking over to me. Fuck. Again. I didn't think I'd shown any interest. I had the usual zero interest. I'd never liked flirting with girls. I had a bad habit of leading girls on and the eventually sleeping with them. Not that I ever enjoyed it. Now that I'm with Jack things were definitely different. 

She took the seat where Rian was previously sitting. “So what's your name?” she winked. 

“Uh, Alex.” I replied. 

She leaned forward, crossing her tan arms on the table. “I'm Tabitha.” She replied.

“Uh, I'm flattered but I'm not single.” I said. Her flirtatious expression dropped and was replaced with an apologetic one.

“Oh, I'm sorry.” She said rather sheepishly. 

“It's fine.” I assured giving her a friendly smile. 

She got up and left me and I relaxed in my chair. Yeah, I think I'm gonna just text Jack in my hotel bed. I was about to get up until Riley came over to me giving me a curious look. 

“You let a girl like that go?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I'm tired.” I said. “You can try a shot at her. I'm going to bed.” 

“But if you're there that means I can't take up a girl.” He argued since we always shared a room in a hotel. 

“Then wait until another time.” I said, standing up. “I am pretty tired though so I'll see ya later.” I said and made my way out of the club.

Riley was my best friend. We'd always been close to one another since ninth grade. If I were to come out to anyone first or someone that I knew would stick by my side if I did, it was him. I trusted him more than anyone really and I wanted to tell him, I did. But the idea of coming out, even to him, still scared me to death. But when I do eventually come out I think he'd be the first. But that still won't be for a while.

…

“So a girl had full interest in you and you didn't sleep with her because you were tired?” 

I rolled my eyes at Zack's comment, looking back at my laptop, relaxing on my seat on the tour bus. “I was tired is all.” I said.

“That, or you have a girlfriend you aren't telling us about.” Vinny speculated.

I blushed. “No, I don't have a girlfriend.” I replied. Technically it wasn't a lie; I definitely didn't have a girlfriend.

“Well are you dating anyone?” Rian asked.

I knew if I said yes, they'd want to meet them and they'd pester me wanting to meet them. I wasn't even ready for them to meet Jack as a friend. They're smart and I was scared they'd be able to figure out we're more than friends.

“I'm not.” I said. “Not sleeping with a girl doesn't automatically mean I'm dating someone.” 

“Sure dude.” Danny said.

“If you're not dating anyone than who've you been texting in your bunk?” Matt asked.

“What? I can't text people without being accused of dating someone?” I asked.

“Well why're you so smiley all the time? Like a love drunk smile?” Ian asked.

“Why're you guys so concerned with my love life?” I asked. 

“You haven't had a girlfriend since like, what? 2012? That fling with Tay Jardine?” Grieco asked.

I bit my lip. I had really hurt Tay. She's such a sweet girl but I knew I hurt her really badly. I thought I could actually fall in love with her, and I tried so hard. I had – and still did – care about her. But falling in love with her was something I couldn't force my self to do. I broke it off so I wouldn't have to hurt her anymore than I would've staying in it longer. She had never told me she loved me but looking back she was probably close if she hadn't already. And after that I knew I couldn't force myself into relationships with girls. I didn't want to hurt them anymore.

“Can you not bring that up?” I asked. “You know I really fucked that one up. And I'm not seeing anyone, so stop asking.”

…

I was scrolling through my twitter feed, relaxed in the back room as 22 Jump Street played. I was mostly skimming through the tweets, but I stopped when a tweet from Jack caught my attention, a smile tugging on my lips.

@thebetterjb: I fucking miss my boyfriend. Long distance sucks :(

I was tempted to favourite it, but decided against since I was paranoid someone will see it and guess he was talking about me. Talk about paranoia. Instead, I said I was going to bed and went off to my bunk so I could text him. 

To Jack: Aw, you're so sweet

I quickly got a reply.

From Jack: I try, I try

To Jack: Already can't live without me, eh?

From Jack: Don't flatter yourself :p

To Jack: I miss you too though

From Jack: Good to hear.

We texted for a while, and it was always nice texting him. He was always fun to talk to but I did wish I could call him so I could hear his voice. I missed that a lot. And him. Quite a lot. I didn't think he'd have such an effect on me after only three months. I'd never felt the butterflies you'd feel talking to someone you liked but Jack brought that out in me.

…

I'd never been so excited to get home after a tour. I tried not to make it obvious when we landed in Baltimore. But I really couldn't wait to be with Jack again. I was surprised by how much I missed him. I was practically desperate to be with him again. 

“So what're you gonna do on your break?” Riley asked after we got ahold of our suitcases. “We didn't hang out at all last time.”

“Uh, I don't know. Probably hang out with some people.” I shrugged. 

“Well, how about you and me hit up a club tonight? By now you're probably not 'tired'.”

“I don't know if I really want to go to a club tonight.” I said. “A man needs time to himself.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Dude, seriously; are you dating someone? Because that'd be the only reason for you to not go to a club or take a girl home. And I, as your best friend, deserve to know.”

I bit my lip. “Look, can you stop asking? I just don't feel like going out.”

“Man you're difficult.” He sighed.

“You'd know better than anyone.” I joked.

“I also know that you were the happiest I've ever seen you during this tour. And I know you said you had a good lay, but a good lay's after effects doesn't last that long unless there's dating involved.”

“Well if I was dating someone you'd be the first to know, promise.”

“I better.”

…

I went to Jack after I dropped my suitcases at home. I was practically bouncing on the spot as I waited for him to answer the door to his apartment. When he opened the door he grinned at me.

“Hey.” he said and quickly kissed me. “Missed you.” he said against my lips.

“Missed you too.” I replied and pushed our lips together again. I felt him kiss back for a moment before he pulled away. 

“How about you come in so we're not making out in full view of the hallway.” he said.

I laughed and nodded, and walked in so he could close the door. Once the door was closed I stepped forward and pushed in against the door, pressing my lips against his. We'd sexed a little during tour but I didn't get much time to myself whether it was because someone else was on the tour bus and would hear me or Riley was in the hotel room at the same time as me. So after some I-missed-you-sex, Jack offered to make some dinner.

“So what is it?” I asked as he cooked.

“It's pasta with the penny, and uses ricotta mixed with egg and milk as sauce.” he explained. “It's delicious.” 

“I'm gonna hold you to that.” I joked. 

“You won't have any regrets, Lex.” 

When the food was ready we sat on his couch and put on Adventure Time, but we mostly talked.

“So how was tour?” he asked.

“It was fun. It always is.” I said. “It was good seeing my friends again.”

“Why didn't you visit them on your break?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I'm a little preoccupied with someone else.” I smiled.

He grinned. “Oh really?” he asked. 

I nodded. “Yeah, pretty hung up on him.” 

“Lucky guy.” 

“I think I'm the lucky one.” I smiled and he smiled back, eyes sparkling.

…

My break was only for two weeks, much to Jack's disappointment. I spent everyday with him when he got home from work. It was nice. He seemed just as happy when I'd come over and he had changed out of his suit into sweats. 

It was close to six months of us being together and my feelings towards him were pretty strong. Pretty close to love. I thought so at least. I'd never actually been in love, I'd only ever tried to force myself to be in love. But how I felt towards him felt a lot like it.

“How long will you be gone?” Jack asked on the last night before I had to leave. I was cuddled to his side, while we watched some random movie.

“About a month.” I said. “I'll miss you like usual.”

He kissed my head. “I'll miss you too. Like a lot.”

We spent the rest of the night in a comfortable silence. And yeah, I was pretty sure I was in love with him.

I am so fucked. 

…

The next tour went by quick. The next tour was going to be Warped which was always fun and I got to see my friends from other bands. We Are the In Crowd weren't doing Warped this year which was kind of a relief since it meant I wouldn't have to see Tay. I didn't want to deal with that drama right now.

I only had about two weeks off and I was spending it with Jack as usual.

“Mini golfing?” I asked him as I followed Jack inside to rent our clubs.

“Yep.” Jack replied, the smile still on his face.

“But, mini golfing?” 

“You don’t need to repeat yourself.” He laughed. “I only get you for two weeks and you miss my birthday. So yes, mini golfing.”

“I thought you were turning twenty-six not six.” I muttered. “Why don’t we be adults and go to like, a dinner or something?”

“I’d love to do that; but I’d also love to do this. How about we go to one for my birthday you’ll miss?” he suggested. “S’long you pay.”

I gave him a snarky look. “Well fine, I’ll take you to a nice dinner; like the adults we are.”

“Touché.” He muttered. “You go first then.” He said when we got to the first hole.

I put down my golf ball, aimed, and was about to hit it until Jack chimed in. 

“You’re holding it wrong.” He said.

I gave him a confused look. “I am not!” I argued.

“You are.” He said, stepping forward to me. He came from behind, put his hands over mine and guided my how to swing it properly. I then realised what he was doing; he was doing the old guide your date to be close to them. So I promptly burst into laughter. 

“You are such a dork!” I said between my laughs. He let go of me and I dropped the club, supporting my hands on my knees. I heard him start laughing. I really loved his laugh, especially when he covered his mouth with the back of his hand or wrist. I’d admit it was one of the cutest things I’d ever seen. 

“I was trying to be romantic!” he said, in between his laughs.

“Still a dork.” I said, catching my breaths when I stopped laughing.

“Well, I’m your dork.” He said and I grinned at him.

“Yeah, which is far from a problem.”

He smiled back and a piece of me just wanted to tell him I loved him. I didn’t care we were on a mini golf course and the sound of kids screaming was in the distance. 

But instead I said; “Well, you’ve distracted me from your dorkiness. So I’m gonna concentrate on this.”

…

The weekend before I left for Warped came and as promised, I took Jack out to dinner. It was one of the nicer ones in the city – I could afford it so why not? – so we had to dress nicely. i.e.; suits. I’d never seen Jack in a suit. He’d always change out of it when he got home from work and he’d be in more comfortable clothes by the time I reached his apartment. I was kind of excited since who didn’t like a man in a suit?

I only had one suit so I just wore that. Jack said he had his own for special occasions since he didn’t want to get his everyday one dirty. I drove to his place to pick him up. And I even got him flowers since I thought it’d be a nice gesture. It was his early birthday dinner after all. I’d gotten him a simple bouquet of daisies and roses which were sitting in the passenger’s seat. 

I got into his apartment building knocking on the door. He answered it a few seconds later. I looked at him body and yeah, he did look really good in a suit. 

“Hey.” He smiled and pecked my lips. He smiled at the bouquet. “Aw you’re sweet.” He said.

“Who said they were for you?” I joked. 

“Who’d you get them for then?” he asked, smirking. 

“The nice old woman downstairs. Trying to woo her.” 

“Didn’t think she was your type.” 

“I guess you’re right.” I said, with a fake sigh. “You want them instead?” I asked, holding them out to him.

“I’d love them.” He said and took them with a smile. “Thanks, they’re really nice. You didn’t have to though.”

“You told me not to buy you anything so I went with flowers.” I shrugged.

“I just don’t like people spending money on me. You’re already taking us to some fancy restraint that you’re paying for.” He said. “I’ll put these in some water than I’ll be ready to go. You look hot in a suit by the way.” He winked after the last sentence and before I could playfully scold him, he ducked back into his apartment and came out a few seconds later. “Let’s go.”

…

We got to the restaurant and were seated. It was a nice table near the back and away from most people. Jack and I had ordered our food and were just casually talking.

“So basically my best friend pestered me and my bandmates into the band.” I explained, recounting the story of how my band was formed.

“And Riley’s your best friend, right?” I nodded.

“How much have you been reading?” I asked, suddenly afraid he’d discovered one certain part of the fanbase. 

“Maybe a little too deep. I did watch some interviews, mostly the new ones.” He shrugged. “You and Riley seem to do most of them.”

I shrugged. “Rian and Zack don’t really like doing interviews.”

“Mhm.” He replied. “So… what’s with that whole Alley?” 

And there it was. I knew it’d come up eventually if he was looking us up.

“Just something the fans made up. I don’t know; Riley and I are pretty close.” 

“Is he gay?” Jack asked.

I gave him a surprised look. “No. And are you seriously jealous right now?”

He shook his head. “I’m not jealous and god knows I’m no different with my own friends like you’re with yours from the pictures I’ve seen with your band. But I just find it weird how insistent the fans are and even some of those damn interviewers.”

“It makes us really uncomfortable. Even though we joke about it most of the time.”

“Well you do encourage it enough.” He muttered.

“Well, I love Riley a completely different way than I love you.” I said.

“Wait… you love me?” he asked, surprise taking over his expression.

Shit. Shit. Shit, fuck! Did I really just admit I loved him? Thaw was not how I wanted this to go!

“I… I… yeah.” I admitted. “I know it might be a little too soon, but yeah. I do.”

He smiled. “Well, I think you’d be happy to know I love you too.” 

“You do?” 

He nodded. “Quite a lot actually.” And I could see him blushing a little. 

“Well good.” I said.

“I think this is officially my best birthday ever.” He smiled and I smiled back, and leaned forward to kiss him, feeling happier than I’d probably ever been in my life.

…

“Why're you so happy?” Vic asked me, raising his brow at me. We were a few days into Warped Tour and I'd been in my bunk texting Jack. Of course I was still a little giddy from talking to him. It was his birthday today so we'd spent a lot of time talking. It sucked I wasn't home with him so we could celebrate together but I felt a little better knowing we had the dinner. 

“No reason.” I shrugged. He was backstage so we could sing A Love Like War together and he always watched our sets anyway.

“He's been in a real good mood lately.” Riley interjected. “Won't tell us why.”

“There's really no reason.” I lied. I still wasn't sure when I'd be ready to tell them I was at least dating someone. I was a coward honestly, so I was still too scared to let them know I was gay. 

“Wow, you're stubborn as fuck.” Vic laughed. 

“Whatever, I have a show to play.”

…

“So how's the ole' love life?” The interviewer asked me and Riley.

I stopped myself from blushing, and let Riley answer first. I'd always hated the unprofessional questions “Non-existent as usual, which is how I prefer it.” Riley shrugged. “The band is pretty sure someone's got Alex on his toes though.” 

“Really? The interviewer asked.

God, I hated Riley sometimes.

“Nah, no girl in my life right now; despite what everyone thinks.” I said, shrugging. 

“Okay, next; what do you think is the biggest misconception about that band?” she asked.

“That we're assholes.” I said, laughing a little. “We're actually really nice.”  
“Either that or people think Alex and I are together.” Riley added laughing. 

Usually I would also humour the whole Alley thing but I wasn't for a few reasons; it did genuinely make me uncomfortable and I knew Jack would watch this interview. I didn't need him getting jealous for no reason. Again. 

“Nah, I think that people think we're assholes.” I said, making my discomfort obvious. The interviewer caught on and instead asked about new music. Riley gave me a confused side glance before turning his attention back to the interviewer. I knew I'd be hearing about this later.

…

“But we always humour Alley.” Riley argued later on the tour bus.

I sighed. “Look, I just always went along with it. But you know it makes me uncomfortable.”

“It makes me uncomfortable too, at least when people bring it up.” he said. “But you know I like humouring it.”

“Well maybe I don't want to humour it anymore.” I said. 

He gave me a confused look. “Well, why not? What's so different now?” he asked.

“Nothing, I just think we should grow up and let it die off.” I said. “The whole Alley thing is stupid. We can't even post a damn picture together without the comments literally being flooded with 'Alley.' Hell, sometimes you just need to make some stupid comment.”

And it was true. It frustrated me when people would post dumb comments and a picture that anyone else would interpret as platonic. I loved Riley, I did but I was scared shit like this would ruin our friendship. 

“Why're you stressing out over this all of a sudden?” he asked, clearly confused. “You usually love humouring it.” 

I bit my lip, not replying. “Is there something you're not telling me?” he asked. “Because I feel like you've spend the last few months hiding something.”

“I not hiding anything.” I said. “Can we please just leave it?” I asked. “Just because I didn't go along with the Alley bullshit you decided to bring up doesn't mean I'm hiding anything.”

“God, I don't get you lately.” he muttered. “We barely talk during breaks; which I don't get; you seem to be like, a billion times happier and there's definitely a reason, i.e. a girlfriend. Do you have one?”

“Why do you guys keep asking? I don't have a girlfriend so quit the pestering.”

“Ugh, you're so stubborn.” he groaned. 

“Well you're a pain.” I shot back. 

“Look, I'm you're best friend so I'd like to know why you're so goddamn happy. Like, love drunk happy.”

“Would you two stop having the same argument.” Rian groaned. “If he says he doesn't have a girlfriend then he doesn't have a girlfriend. It's none of your goddamn business.” 

“But-” Riley began but Rian cut him off with a glare. “Fine.” he huffed. 

…

I was curled in my bunk, texting Jack since I hadn't spoken him today yet.

From Jack: So how's tour?

To Jack: No different from the others. Except we're playing outside which sucks because heat.

From Jack: Well I miss you. So I've stalked your interviews. And you're not an asshole at all :p

To Jack: Oh you saw that one?

From Jack: Yeah. Why'd Riley bring up the whole Alley thing?

To Jack: You said you wouldn't get jealous over that

From Jack: I'm not. I'm glad you shot it down.

To Jack: We have the habit of humouring it. Especially when we were younger. But I thought it was better to stop. I does make me uncomfortable. He's my best friend, I don't want to do anything like that with him.

From Jack: It's fine. I don't want to argue about this again. 

To Jack: So how was your birthday then? 

From Jack: Fun. Got a little too drunk but I'm fine.

To Jack: Wish I was there :(

From Jack: Wish you were there too. And here now. This long distance sucks.

To Jack: I know it's not the most ideal thing and I do love the playing shows part but the being away from you part really sucks.

From Jack: Is significant other visiting on tour a regular thing?

To Jack: Yes. But you know I'm not ready.

From Jack: I don't want to argue about this again. But it's been months. Have you at least told your friends?

To Jack: No. And I know you want me too. I will try to soon.

From Jack: Fine.

To Jack: Don't be like that.

From Jack: I'm just so sick of this argument. I love you. I want to do those cheesy tweets to each other and coupley pictures on Instagram. I'm sick of just not letting everyone know that we're together. I want people to know. 

To Jack: Can we just drop this? I'm sick of arguing over this. I'm not ready to come out to anyone. I'm sorry.

From Jack: Whatever. I'm going to bed. Good night.

To Jack: Okay. 

To Jack: I love you.

His reply took a moment. 

From Jack: I love you too

I let out a small groan, hitting the wall wish my fist. I was so tired of the same argument. I felt the same way he did; I wanted people to know but at the same time I was still too scared to come out. And I hated I was hurting Jack. 

Soon. Hopefully soon. 

…

Warped sped by and I didn't have a tour for two months. A nice break sounded great. The part where I spent it with Jack at least. I'd been writing as well. Just getting some ideas on paper. I'd written a few happy love songs in my style. I guess Jack was a good muse if I were being honest. At least with love songs which I never wrote much of. 

“So, my office is having a party.” Jack said, as he ran his fingers through my hair.

“Mhm.” I mumbled, paying more attention to the movie. 

“It's kinda boring but I have to go. There's suits and wine and stuff like that.”

“Yeah.” I knew he was asking for me to be his date to it, but I decided I'd let him ask first. 

“And well, it's kind of customary to bring a date.” he said. 

I looked up at him. “I'm fine with some office party.” I said.

“Well good.” he mumbled, kissing my head. “I want some people to know what a great boyfriend I have.”

…

The party was that following weekend. His coworkers were nice but most were boring. Jack said his one friend and his boyfriend hadn't gotten here yet due to always being late. I could tell he'd rather be talking with that friend but we were stuck making small talk with some of his coworkers around our age. 

I noticed Jack look over the crowd and smile. “Oh, there's my friend.” he said, looking over the crowd. I followed his gaze to two men; one was blond and the other's was dyed blue. Jack walked over to them. 

“Well it's about time, guys.” Jack said.

“Oh shut up, Barakat.” the blond on laughed. “Anyways, you gonna introduce us to your friend?”

“Guys, this is Alex, the one I told you about, Alex this is Luke, the one I work with, and Michael.”

“Nice to meet you.” The blond one, Luke, said and stuck out his hand. I shook it and shook Michael's. 

“Yeah, he won't shut up about you.” Michael joked.

“Aw, you talk about me?” I said jokingly but found it genuinely sweet. 

“Like you talk about Luke any less.” Jack said, giving Luke a snarky look.

“Shut up, Barakat.” Michael muttered and Luke chuckled.

“If it's any consolation, I do the same at work.” Luke said, and bumped his nose to Michael's cheek.

“Ugh, you two are gross.” Jack said, scrunching his nose. 

So I guess talking about your boyfriend to your coworkers was a normal thing. Rian talked a lot about Cass and the crew would sometime talk about their girlfriends and I did want to talk about Jack to my friends. I'd be happy to talk their ears off about him since they did no different. I still wasn't ready. I hated that I wasn't ready. I don't get how Jack was so patient with me, he deserved someone that wouldn't act like they were ashamed of him. I wasn't. I really wasn't. I'm just a massive coward.

I spent the night talking to Michael and Luke. They were really nice and fun to talk to. I would actually consider meeting them again. 

…

A few months past and it was almost new years. I usually went out to a club with my friends in Baltimore so that's exactly what we were doing. It mostly consisted of drinking which we did a lot anyway.

And Jack was there. He wanted to at least meet my friends as a friend since I'd met some of his. I decided to just tell my friends Jack and I met because our parents are friends and we got along. Easy enough, right? Well, I'd have to be able to control myself while I've started drinking so I don't do anything stupid like kiss him or cuddle him or anything that screams 'he's my boyfriend.'

So far, the introducing went fine and they seemed to like Jack, which was good. One step ahead. 

“Dude, the chick over there has been staring at you for the past five minutes.” Riley said to Jack, nodding towards the girl.

“Point?” Jack asked, taking a sip of his drink and not even bothering to look at the girl.

“Well, she's hot and seems interested. Why not go for it?”

Jack let out a small chuckle and set his glass on the table. “Girls aren't really my thing.”

I watched Riley's face as he put the pieces together. “Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have assumed.”

“It's fine.” Jack laughed.

“Well, any guys you interested in?” 

I was kind of surprised by Riley's casualness. He and the rest of the guys checked out the girls at clubs all the time so discussing who another person wanted to get with was nothing new it was more he was asking a gay guy.

“Nah, I've got a boyfriend.” Jack shrugged.

“Oh, and he's not here?” 

“Couldn't make it; something came up which fucking sucks.” Jack said and I was thankful for his cover. 

Later, while Jack went to get a drink Riley asked, “Why didn't you tell me your friend was gay?”

I felt a pang in my chest. Did he hate the fact Jack was gay? He'd never said anything against gay people before.

“Didn't think it was that big of a deal.” I shrugged. “Not my fault you assume everyone is straight until said otherwise.”

“Okay, fair enough. It's not even that big of a deal.” he said. “Do you think he's gonna flirt with guys?”

“He literally said he had a boyfriend five minutes ago.” 

“Well, I don't know what he's like. Or really what gay guys are like; none of our close friends are gay.”

“So you think just because he likes dick he can't stay loyal to his boyfriend?”

“I don't know.” he replied. “Aren't open relationships a common thing gay dudes have?”

At this point I was ready to punch him. Instead I said, “You're unbelievable.” 

“Too dickish?” he asked.

“Really dickish. Some people can actually commit to someone.”

“You know I don't like relationships.” 

“That's beside the point.” I argued. 

“Look, I really don't give a fuck he's gay. I also know nothing about him. Why'd you just bring up this friend anyway?”

“What, I can't have other friends?” I asked. 

“It's not that. We just used to tell each other stuff all the time. Keeping away someone you seem to be pretty good friends with is just weird. It's like we're drifting.”

“Well I'm sorry you feel that way.” I sighed. “I just, I don't know. You're still my best friend. You always will be.” I assured.

“Good to hear. You're mine too.”

…

The clock had struck twelve two hours ago. I’d sobered up and didn’t get to kiss Jack; not with the risk of someone catching us. So we were left unkissed and driving in his car, driving back to his place.

“What’d you think of my friends?” I asked.

“They were nice.” Jack said, shrugging. “Like, I guess I got my wish to meet them.”

“They liked you. They said so.”

“Good. Maybe the blow will be easier on them when you tell them.”

“Yeah. I think so too.”

We sat in silence for the rest of the ride, the radio playing the new Taylor Swift song Welcome to New York. I let that fill my thoughts.

When we got back to his place he stopped me from stepping inside. He cupped my face in his hands, leaned forward and kissed me, right there on the sidewalk.

Maybe a New Year’s kiss shouldn’t be two hours late but I’d decided it was much better than nothing.

…

Five months past. It was the same old routine; spend free time with Jack; go on the tour; get asked why I’m so happy; get asked if I have a girlfriend; get home from tour; wash, rinse, repeat. I was starting to think how long I’d be able to keep up the charade Jack was just a friend. I surprised the guys hadn’t picked up on the fact we’re together. Although Jack did say straight people were terrible at picking up on when people of the same gender are together or into each other unless someone has a tongue down their throat. That did make me laugh but I couldn’t deny the truth in the statement.

 

When I got home from yet another tour and went over to Jack’s, he answered the door and seemed to be giddy.

“Good to know you’re happy to see me.” I laughed after giving me a happy kiss and I walked into his apartment.

“I think you’re gonna love this!” he said, still grinning and eyes sparkling.

“What?” I asked, raising my brow at him. 

“Well, Michael and Luke said they were going on a couple’s cruise but didn’t want to go alone – don’t ask me why if it’s a couple’s cruise they make no sense – so they asked if I was interested in going and duh, bring you, and – “

“Jack, breathe.” I said, cutting him off and laughing. He was the kind of person that could say a lot when they were excited. “A couple’s cruise? Don’t you have work?”

“I was saving my vacation days for a special occasion. It goes for a week and it’s gonna be great!”

“You already got the tickets?” I asked. 

“I wanted to surprise you.” 

“I could’ve paid for my own.” 

“Hey, I don’t want you paying for everything.” He argued. “And I can’t surprise you if you were the one paying.”

I smiled at him. “Well you’re sweet. Thanks for the surprise. When’s the cruise?”

“Three days.”

“Well good thing I’m still packed.”

“Have you done laundry?” He asked.

“Uh… no.”

“Gross, no you’re doing laundry.” He replied, scrunching his nose.

“Why can’t I just wear all your clothes?” I whined.

“No!” He laughed, playfully slapping my shoulder. “You have your own clothes; wear them. I’ll help you with the laundry if you want. But we’ll do it at your house.”

“Well aren’t you the perfect little house wife.” I joked and he gave me a snarky look.

“Well you’re a joker huh?”

“You love me for it.” I said smiling sweetly.

He smiled back. “Yeah, I do.”

…

“When do you think we should live together?” Jack asked sometime along doing the doing the laundry.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d rather do it when I’m out, y’know so I don’t get dumb questions.”

He looked like he wanted to argue and ask when I was actually going to come out but he seemed to think it’d be better to not ask. That’ll just revert us into the same old argument. I’m surprised he’d stuck around this long.

I did want to live with him though; I really did. It would just legitimise our relationship more. I just wished I was ready. I was actually considering telling my parents and the guys soon. I felt ready to tell them. Maybe I’d tell them after the cruise.

In the meantime, we continued on with doing the laundry, barely exchanging words.

…

“It’s so big!” I exclaimed when we got to the docks.

“You sound like Luke the first time we–“ Michael began only to be cut off my Luke. 

“You finish that sentence and I swear you won’t be getting any of that on this cruise.” 

“ –The first time we went to the new theme park and saw the roller coaster.” Michael finished.

“Nice save.” Luke muttered.

“You two are gross.” Jack laughed, a firm grip on my hand as we stepped onto the ship. It was really nice and fancy; Jack wouldn’t tell me how much it was. I would had been fine paying for it; I could afford it after all. Especially when you compare Jack’s descent apartment to my house in the nicer parts of town.

We were separated from Luke and Michael to be shown to our rooms and agreed to meet them for dinner. 

“This room is so big!” Jack exclaimed in excitement when the woman escorting us left, grinning ear to ear.

“The bed is massive.” I muttered, staring at the king sized bed.

“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked and playfully wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh shut up.” I playfully snapped and threw a cushion on the couch at him. He easily dodged it and playfully poked his tongue out at me. 

“The pamphlet said the showers could fit two people.” He said.

“So basically the room is not only expecting sex; it’s telling you to.”

“Exactly, and why not listen and obey?”

I grinned. “Well, we can't displease the room.”

“No, we cannot.”

…

For once, Michael and Luke had arrived before us and with their track record, it was a surprise to all of us. But Jack and I were a little... preoccupied in our room.

“This place is so fucking huge.” Michael said.

“We basically got lost on the way here.” I said. “We should check out the main deck tomorrow and see what there is.” I suggested.

“Oh yeah, we should. It's gonna be a nice day tomorrow so we should do that and not spend the day cooped up in our rooms.” Jack agreed.

We didn't talk about anything sensical for the rest of dinner. I'd gotten to know Michael and Luke a lot better and they were great guys. They'd been filled in on the whole me being in a famous band and I wasn't out. They'd respected that and I liked that about them. They even started listening to my band since they were into that sort of music.

If anyone outside of Jack were to know about us, I'm glad it was them. 

…

“Am I the only one tempted to throw my phone over?” I asked as I stared out into the water. 

“Okay, dude, you need to sit down.” Luke laughed.

“I'm not gonna do it!” I argued, looking back at them. “I just have this weird temptation.” 

“Babe, just come sit down before you have to buy a new phone.” Jack said, sitting back in his pool side chair. 

I rolled by eyes and decided to just sit down. I was going to sit in the chair next to Jack but instead Jack took hold of my hand and pulled me down on his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist. I smiled and comfortably rested my back to his chest.

“Okay, this is a lot better than sitting by myself.” I said, adjusting myself so I could kiss his cheek. 

“Super comfy.” he said, playfully bumping our noses together. He rested his forehead on mine and smiled.

“What?” I asked laughing.

“I just love you so much.” he said, smiling sweetly.

“Cheesy fuck.” I smirked.

“You love me for it.” he teased.

I smiled. “I sure do.” I said and kissed him, longer than you probably should in public but I didn't give a fuck.

“And you guys say we're gross.” I heard Michael say to us, but I just sent them the bird, my lips still pressing against Jack's. 

“And now they're making out.” Luke said, probably scrunching his nose.

“Stop or get a room.” Michael snapped at us.

Jack pulled away, gently biting my bottom lip. “One fact in this matter, our love cannot be contained.” he said.

“Well, at least try to contain it until you're in your room. No one wants to see that.” 

“This is a couple's cruise. You'll be seeing a lot of people making out.” Jack argued. 

“Well no one likes those people so why be one of those people?” 

“Who wouldn't want to make out with this pretty face though?” Jack said, pocking my cheek with his finger and I laughed. “Plus, it's not like we're dry humping each other.”

“Now that you can save for your room.” Michael said, scrunching his nose.

…

Two days later, I was woken up by frantic knocking. I let out a groan, not wanting to be disturbed from my slumber. 

“Get it.” I mumbled to Jack.

“No you.” he mumbled back with a small groan.

“But it sounds important.”

“Then get it.”

“Oh Jesus fuck.” I heard Michael groan. “Open the fuck up! It's really important!”

Jack groaned and got out of bed and went to open the door. “You guys looked freaked.” he said. “What's wrong? Oh... shit.” 

I rubbed my eyes to wake myself up and sat up. “What's wrong.” I yawned. When my eyes adjusted Michael, Luke, and Jack looked panicked. 

“What?” I asked. I noticed Michael was clutching his phone to his chest.

“You should tell him.” Luke said, looking at Jack.

“Yeah, you should.” Michael agreed, holding out his phone to Jack who nodded taking the phone.

“What?” I asked again.

Jack bit his lip and sat next to me. He then showed me the screen of Michael's phone and there, clear as day was a picture of the two of us kissing on the cruise.

I covered my mouth with my hand, immediately starting to panic. “Fuck! Oh my god! What! I... I... who took this.” 

Jack rubbed my back in attempt to calm me down. “Just breathe, okay.” he said softly. 

“It's gone viral.” Luke explained, biting his lip. “We saw it on twitter.”

I felt tears prick my eyes. If Michael and Luke have seen it then the band has definitely seen it. This is not how I wanted this to go. This is nowhere close to it.

“Hey,” Jack said softly, gently wiping away my tears that were falling. “It'll be okay.”

“No it won't.” I said my voice breaking.

“I know it might seem bad, but I'm sure no one will care.”

“If it helps, a lot of people are coming to your defence.” Luke said. “Saying stuff like 'it's none of our business' and 'fuck whoever took this.' So they obviously don't care in the 'oh my god ew' sort of way.”

“But my friends. And my family. Ugh, what am I going to do?” 

“They're your friends; I'm sure they won't care. You should call them.” Jack suggested.

I nodded and reached for my phone. I'd put it on do not disturb so I could sleep. 

And I'd had a lot of messages, missed calls, and twitter notifications. Fuck.

“You want to be left alone?” Jack asked, still drawing circles in my back. 

I nodded. “Yeah, I'll meet you for breakfast later.”

He nodded and kissed my cheek. He quickly got dressed and left with Michael and Luke.

The first person I called was Riley. He picked up after two rings. “What the fuck! Like what the actual fuck!” I cringed at the tone of his voice, trying not to cry again. “Why didn't you tell me you were gay? What the fuck I thought I was your best friend? And you're dating a guy? Is that the same so called friend from new years? I can't believe you–“

“Shut up!” I finally got the courage to say. “Just... let me speak.” I said. “Yes, that's Jack from new years. Yes, we're dating. Have been for over a year. Yes I'm gay. I did want to tell you but I was too scared. I was planning to tell you first and soon for a matter of fact. And it's not some sort of fling; I love him.”

“You... love him?” he asked.

“Yeah. A lot actually.” I said softly.

He sighed. “You really should've told me.”

“I know.” I replied. “I'm sorry I didn't.”

“I don't care that you're gay, just so you know. It's fine. Is he why you've been a lot happier?” He asked.

“Yeah. Like, he makes me so happy.”

“Then I couldn't be happier for you.” he said. “Anyone who makes you this happy deserves you.”

“So...we're good?” I asked, biting my bottom lip.

“You're an idiot; of course we're good.” He laughed. 

“Okay, well I need to call more people. And my parents. Damage control, y'know?” 

“Got it. How're you going to deal with the fans?” 

“I still don't know. That's difficult damage control.”

After we hung up I called my parents and that went a lot better than I thought it would. They told me they still loved me and pretty much demanded to meet Jack as soon as possible. It made me happy they were excited to meet him. After that I called the rest of my friends and they reacted positively like Riley. 

I had Warped Tour after pretty soon. I wasn't sure how'd I'd deal with my friends there yet. And Tay. We Are the In Crowd was playing Warped this year too and I wasn't sure how'd that'd go. Maybe I'd just avoid her.

I knew I had to deal with things online. I debated between ranting on twitter or putting a video on our Facebook. I went with the video idea since some people might not bother reading a twitter rant. 

I got my laptop out and clicked photo booth. I took a deep breath before pressing record.

“Hey guys... so uh a certain picture of me has been going around. Um, I think the best thing to say first is yes, I'm gay. It's not a new thing, I've known since I was a teenager. But a little over a year ago I met someone. I met someone who can bring light into my darkest times. I met someone how can make me laugh to the point I cry no matter how shit I feel. I met someone who gives you those cheesy romance novel butterflies that you can only wish to feel. I met someone who makes me happier than anyone has in my entire life. And yeah, this someone is a man.” I bit my lip, to stop my eyes from welling up. I took a deep breath.

“And I fell in love. So goddamn deeply in love. If you don't like the fact I love a man or that I'm gay, I've decided I don't give a shit. This isn't ideally how I wanted people to find out; I hadn't even told any of my friends or my family due to being a coward. But everyone is being supportive which is all I need or wanted.” I smiled at the camera. 

“On a final note though, I'm really disappointed in whoever posted the picture. I don't need nor want an apology and some of you might think I'm coming off as harsh but I think one of the worst things you can do is out someone, especially someone who probably isn't out for a reason.” 

I liked my lip looking down. “That's all I really had to say. Just, wanted to let you guys know. I'm gay. I'm dating a man. I'm really really happy. So yeah, I'll see those of you coming to Warped at Warped.” I said. “Gaskarth out.” I said, saluting at the camera and stopped the recording. I uploaded to the All Time Low Facebook page and got off my laptop. I decided to face the reaction of that later. 

I went to the dining room to have breakfast. I got some pancakes and scanned the room for the guys. I spotted them in a booth in the back and walked over to them. I sat next to Jack. 

“How'd damage control go?” Jack asked. 

“Pretty good.” I said. “My parents are being supportive – the want to meet you actually.”

“Good to know they already like me.” he smiled.

“What about your friends?” Michael asked.

“Well, my best friend was more mad I hadn't told him, but he's being great. And the rest of my friends are fine with it.”

“I told you it'd be fine.” he smiled and pecked my cheek and slung his across my shoulders. 

“Yeah, yeah smart ass.” I teased, burying my nose into the crook of his neck. 

“How're the fans taking it?” Luke asked.

I turned my head so I was still resting my head on Jack's shoulder but facing Michael and Luke. “I did some damage control by posting a video on Facebook. Haven't bothered looking at my phone or going on twitter. Don't really want to deal with that right now. Instead, I'm going to eat and enjoy this damn cruise.”

Jack squeezed my shoulder and kissed my head before I sat up and ate, and we switched onto a different topic.

…

Turns out things weren't that bad. I got a lot of supportive tweets from fans and my friends from other bands. Some of my from other bands that were gay or bi said things like 'welcome to the club' which was funny to see and their support made me happy, even though their support was predictable. I guess that made anticipation for Warped a lot easier.

Jack had posted pictures of us on Instagram – I had too of course due to all the messages asking to see his face properly – and he even made a tweet saying how he was proud of me. I retweeted it and there was a lot of good and he got a lot of follows. But there were also a lot of people calling him a 'faggot' or claiming he 'turned me gay.' He brushed it off, saying it was no different from what he dealt with in high school. Still, I blocked everyone who sent him hate. I was ashamed there were people that were fans of mine like that.

The cruise ended on a good note. I was able to relax and it was genuinely fun. I was leaving for Warped in a few days and during that time Jack moved into my place. It was nice to be living together even though we'd spent a lot of our time at each other's places anyway. 

“God, your place is so big.” he said. “Didn't you ever get lonely?”

“Yeah, but I've got you now.” I smiled.

“Well, it's going to be really lonely when you're away on tour.” He pouted.

“You can come out to visit me during it y'know.” I said. “My friends already like you, they just know you're my boyfriend now.”

“Well, I'll come during the Baltimore stop then.”

“Definitely.” I agreed and pecked his lips. 

…

I was still pretty nervous of how people from other bands would react at Warped. When I saw Riley, Rian, and Zack and the crew they treated me no differently which was a relief. 

I wasn't that great of friends with a lot of other band members; most were just acquaintances if anything. Just people with the same love lumped together. Some were nice and I would actually call a friend; some I'd rather not be around; and some I didn't really have an opinion on. I guess I'd learn who my true friends are through this which I guess was a plus. I didn't need anyone in my life that would shun me for something like who I love. 

We played our show and were now at our signing. The only downside was that I was still sweaty from the show and when you mix that with the heat, you start getting a little uncomfortable. I was definitely looking forward to a shower.

Some fans brought up us gifts; it was mostly candy which was nothing to complain about. Some time along one boy brought something wrapped with a note attached.

“Uh, I got you this.” he said shyly. 

I smiled at him. “Aw, how nice. Thanks.” I said, taking the gift. “I can't open it now because security will get mad, but thanks.” He smiled and nodded, handing me his CD to sign.

When we got back on the tour bus, Riley asked what I'd got. 

“Don't know.” I shrugged. “I'll open it now.” From what it felt like, it was a shirt. I sat at the table and opened the note first. It read 'thanks for helping me accept something I hated about myself'

I immediately knew this kid was gay and hearing being open about my sexuality has helped people and so quickly, that made it worth it.

I tore the paper to see a red shirt and smiled at what it said. It was one of those , 'some people are gay; get over it' shirts. I smiled at it and laughed. “Okay, I am so wearing this.” I said, taking the shirt out.

“You'll piss off so many people with that.” Rian remarked.

“I know, that's the best part.” 

“Well, wear after you take a shower. You stink.” Riley teased.

“Oh shut up you fucker.” Although, I did want to take a shower to I went to my bunk and tossed my new shirt in it and grabbed my toiletries bag. 

I made my way to the showers and mentally groaned at the long line. The showers were in an area that you needed a pass to get to so there was no crowd. Which was why I saw her so quickly.

Tay.

Fuck.

I immediately started to panic and thought I might be able to get back to my bus without her seeing me; I could shower later. 

But it was too late. She caught my eye, bit her lip and started walking towards me. I was frozen in spot. What was she going to say? Was she going to yell at me for lying to her? Would she accuse me of using her? 

Okay, calm down. She doesn't even look mad.

“Hey,” she said. “Uh, long time no see.” She said,

I smiled awkwardly at her. “Uh, yeah. It's been to long.” 

“So... uh I've heard you're gay.” 

Fuck, there it was. “Uh... yeah. I am.”

She bit her lip. “Did you... know before we were a thing?” she asked.

I felt a pang in my stomach. “I did.” I said honestly. 

She nodded. “Well, I'll be honest; you really hurt me.”

“I know, I'm sorry.”

“But it could've been worse. Like, I didn't love you. Almost did.”

“I'm sorry I lied.”

“You were insecure about your sexuality; it's fine.” she shrugged.

“Well, I at least thought I could love you. You're a great girl, but...” I trailed off.

“Well know you have your boyfriend, and you're happy with him, right?”

“Really happy.”

“Well that's great. You do seem a lot happier.” She smiled at me. 

“So you don't hate me?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Nah. I'm over it. You're a good guy, you were just scared.”

I smiled at her. “You'll make a guy really happy one day, y'know?” 

She smiled. “You're way to good of a guy.” She said .”Hope you and you're boyfriend have a happy ending.”

“You're way too forgiving.”

…

I'd admit I was a little nervous about Jack coming over for Warped. Sure, they'd met Jack once at new years but I was scared they'd be weird around him. Some of the crew's girlfriends were coming as well so it probably wouldn't be too weird.

“Just don't be weird.” I said, for probably the hundredth time.

“Dude, if anything it's less weird he's a guy.” Riley said, his attention mostly on his phone. “And he seemed like a cool dude at new years.”

I was still nervous, my usual paranoia sinking in. They said they liked Jack before they knew we were together which was a little encouraging. Jack knew I was a little nervous but he texted me that everything would be fine. 

“You're so melodramatic.” Riley said rolling his eyes.

“I didn't even say anything!” I argued.

“You were thinking it though.”

“I just... I don't know. He's such a big part of my life and so is this band, so I don't want anything to go bad.”

“Dude, knowing he's who makes you happy is enough for all of us.” Rian said. “And you love him right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well then there's nothing to not like about him.”

“He's got a point. You seem more hung up on him than Rian's hung up on Cassadee; which says a lot.” Riley teased.

“Oh shut the fuck up.” Rian and I said in almost perfect unison.

“Hey, you know I love you guys.” He said. “And I love Cass too. Maybe I'll love Jack too.”

I smiled at him. “I knew there was a reason you were my best friend.”

“And I thought it was my charming personality.” He said in mock offence. 

“You're about as charming as a wasp.” 

He gasped. “Why are you so mean to me?” He asked.

“I hate and despise you.”

“Whelp, if you're being like that then I'm not going to be nice to Jack.”

“Bullshit. You love me too much to not be nice to him.”

“You got me. I'm too great of a friend to do that.”

…

I kept a firm grip on Jack's as we stepped onto the tour bus. I was still kind of nervous. I just couldn't get it out of my head how introducing him as my boyfriend as opposed to a friend was completely different. Jack, of course, told me it'd be fine. 

“Duck!” was the first thing I heard when we got onto the tour bus. I was confused until I saw a football coming right towards us. 

“Shit!” I said and ducked down, the ball just missing my head. 

“I thought I told you not to throw that damn ball on the bus!” Matt scolded from the table as Zack and Riley came out from the back room. 

“Dude, you okay?” Zack asked.

“Barely missed my head, asshole.” I said.

“I think it hit the microwave though.” Jack said, pointing behind him. I glanced over and yeah, it was definitely hit. 

“Oh god, if you break the damn microwave you two are paying for it.” Matt said. “And this is exactly why you don't throw the damn football on the bus.”

I head Jack chuckle at their antics while I rolled my eyes. Riley looked at me and walked to us. “Good to see you again man.” Riley said sticking his hand out to Jack.

“You too.” Jack replied shaking his hand. 

“Sorry about that.” I said to Jack. “Riley has basically not matured since middle school.”

Riley put his hand over his heart in mock offence. “I'm offend. It's true, but I'm offended.” 

…

I'd played too many shows to count in my years in this band. 

This is the one show I was nervous playing. 

I guess there was the thought in the back of my mind that Jack was watching. Which was something stupid to get nervous about. But he'd never seen my play live and I guess there was a part of me that wanted to impress him. Which was another thing that was stupid. 

I played the show, trying not to think too much about the fact Jack was watching and no doubt looking directly at me. 

“You guys are fucking amazing!” I yelled into the mic.

“I have no fucking clue how you could stand to see us when it's hot as balls.” Riley said earning a cheer. 

“I don't know how you stand to see us period.” I added smiling at the cheers. “We've been All Time Low! Thanks for coming you sexy ass mother fuckers.”

We stepped off stage and I smiled at Jack. “Damn, you guys are good.” he said.

“That's because we're amazing.” Riley said, gulping down a bottle of water.

“Shame I have zero musical talent.” Jack remarked.

“Oh, well I still love you.” I said, reaching out to him to try and kiss him, only for him to step away.

“Gross, get away from me, you stink.” he said, laughing. 

I pouted. “You're mean.”

“Aw, you two are adorable; I'm gonna throw up.” Rian said.

I rolled my eyes and laughed softly. 

I had a signing and an interview to get to, which Jack already knew. I didn't know how he could stand me being away so much.

The signing came and went and I went to the interview that I had with Rian.

“Who would you say is the ladies man between the two of you?” the interviewer asked and I refrained from rolling my eyes.

“Does it have to be between the two of us?” Rian asked, scratching the back of his head. “'Cause we're both in committed relationships and would probably get in trouble.” He said, chuckling at his own joke.

“You would at least.” I joked. “Ladies aren't my thing.”

“If it's the rest of the band it's definitely Riley.”

“Oh yeah, definitely.” I agreed and nodded.

“What's the best gift a fan has given you this Warped?” 

“Oh, this one really nice kid gave me one of those 'some people are gay; gay over it' shirts.” I said. “Best gift ever.”

“That's amazing.” she interviewer laughed.

“He wore that at the next show.” Rian said. “The people that got pissed were hilarious.”

“And I was just unapologetic about it.” I smiled.

We continued the interview, it going on smoothly.

…

“I'll see you soon.” I said, kissing Jack. Today's Warped had ended and the bus was due to leave in a few minutes.

“I'll miss you.” he mumbled.

I really hated the long distance thing. I missed him so much and it was so exhausting. 

“I don't know how you stand waiting for me.” I mumbled.

He shrugged. “I don't know; I guess I just think you're worth it. I love you a lot.”

I softly laughed. “You give me too much credit.”

He shrugged. “I think you don't give yourself enough.”

I smiled at him and pressed my lips to his one last time. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Damn this was long. And I like how it turned out so that's even better.
> 
> Sorry if I missed any errors and thanks for reading.
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


End file.
